Thursday, September 02, 2010
Hi.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
scambled eggs
Friday, March 12, 2010
little favours
Go to Red Mango @ Wilkie Edge. It's really tasty fro-yo and they've got 15% discount for sota students. How nice izzat.
Anyway I wish I liked Tau huay, I really wish I did. But some things just can't be helped. Today I choked on the lit test, or maybe I panicked, you decide. If you really wanna know the difference go read this.
For a second, I wish I had external help. I've denied myself external help, or the psychological illusion of external help, and right now I'm wishing this thought never came into my mind.
I'm glad 30% of the world is spared from such headaches. I never want to talk about this again.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling terrible. I feel lukewarm.
Anyway I wish I liked Tau huay, I really wish I did. But some things just can't be helped. Today I choked on the lit test, or maybe I panicked, you decide. If you really wanna know the difference go read this.
For a second, I wish I had external help. I've denied myself external help, or the psychological illusion of external help, and right now I'm wishing this thought never came into my mind.
I'm glad 30% of the world is spared from such headaches. I never want to talk about this again.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling terrible. I feel lukewarm.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
------
Amazing work by Richard Wilson. It's Oil. I would love to blow on it.I'm so tired. The evening concert was more than worth it though. Really, really blew me away. It killed me. Such amazing people, not self-assertive at all. It's a loss not to see them in their zone.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
contantly bailing out water
You get stuck in the well, and you cry out for help.
Then when the silence sets in
You look down
and find yourself standing within the reflection of the stars and the moon.
This week has been going quite nicely. My ipod crashed on me, some stupid phone call, but it's really nothing.
Sometimes it really bites to be understanding. It's a bite I know I should endure, in fact I want to. But it bites. Why hurt yourself when you can do it the easy way? You're really not obliged to care. Guess my mom really taught me too well.
Then when the silence sets in
You look down
and find yourself standing within the reflection of the stars and the moon.
This week has been going quite nicely. My ipod crashed on me, some stupid phone call, but it's really nothing.
Sometimes it really bites to be understanding. It's a bite I know I should endure, in fact I want to. But it bites. Why hurt yourself when you can do it the easy way? You're really not obliged to care. Guess my mom really taught me too well.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
any fool with a microphone
I saw the sun retreat beneath the hills from my window. It's not anything spectacular, not the first time, and it's not like I saw it descend down the ocean with all the zen music accompaniment.
Still.
Still.
Friday, March 05, 2010
I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.
The burning question of the day: Why not Italy dispose of all its garbage in Mt. Vesuvius? Maybe clog it up or something. Kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
Yeah if only life were that simple.
-------------
"As much as anything else, it was the stare, not so paradoxically, of a privacy-lover who, once his privacy has been invaded, doesn't quite approve when the invader just gets up and leaves,
one-two-three, like that."
-J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey
Yeah if only life were that simple.
-------------
"As much as anything else, it was the stare, not so paradoxically, of a privacy-lover who, once his privacy has been invaded, doesn't quite approve when the invader just gets up and leaves,
one-two-three, like that."
-J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey
Thursday, March 04, 2010
a star to consume
I'm losing the plot man. Lost part of it already.
It's not to say I'm depressed or insane. In fact I'm really very happy. Swearworthy happy.
It's just that I'm losing the plot at the same time yknow.
Just that I'm stabbing my drink with my straw more times than necessary.
Sometimes I wish I were snobby and opinionated. Snobs don't suffer. They just too damn good for all that.
It's not to say I'm depressed or insane. In fact I'm really very happy. Swearworthy happy.
It's just that I'm losing the plot at the same time yknow.
Just that I'm stabbing my drink with my straw more times than necessary.
Sometimes I wish I were snobby and opinionated. Snobs don't suffer. They just too damn good for all that.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
uh he went out...the door...
Sometimes what you're after's not your fault.
Just give me maybe 1 day. Or 1 week. I'll find a way.
Just give me maybe 1 day. Or 1 week. I'll find a way.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
yeah. i dunno.
I will remember The Prata House for the rest of my entire life.
Monday, March 01, 2010
everyone's a VIP to someone
I love Clair de Lune. Could just listen to it back to back. Amazing.
I like laughing at S-League with my brother. No offence to S-League. I had a dream where you lot were at my dining table. Then someone took out a cigarette and started smoking. And the whole dining table area became smokey because everyone was doing it. I tried it, and someone said it tasted like fire. I tasted fire in my throat if that's possible. I don't know why anyone would wanna taste fire. Oh well.
We had nice Indian food today, breaking away from prata. It's fun ordering weird sounding things and crossing your fingers.
Everyone enters your life for a certain reason...maybe they'll only stay for a short while and be done with you when they're bored. Some'll stay longer than you expect. You never know, and you can't really help it. You hold on tighter because they aren't obliged to stay.
I like laughing at S-League with my brother. No offence to S-League. I had a dream where you lot were at my dining table. Then someone took out a cigarette and started smoking. And the whole dining table area became smokey because everyone was doing it. I tried it, and someone said it tasted like fire. I tasted fire in my throat if that's possible. I don't know why anyone would wanna taste fire. Oh well.
We had nice Indian food today, breaking away from prata. It's fun ordering weird sounding things and crossing your fingers.
Everyone enters your life for a certain reason...maybe they'll only stay for a short while and be done with you when they're bored. Some'll stay longer than you expect. You never know, and you can't really help it. You hold on tighter because they aren't obliged to stay.
Friday, February 26, 2010
*
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
day dreams
Things are okay. Before Dr. Yeo left she told us about one part of The Trial by Kafka (if I'm not mistaken) that she initially just couldn't understand, the part where he grabbed the lady and kissed her. I was really puzzled as well but when she told us her interpretation of what happened, it really blew my mind.
It blew my mind because in fact, we're all grabbing people and kissing them every day of our lives. Just to know we still have some control left. Because everything around is changing so quickly and every day you're just somehow not fully awake to catch up.
I think it's nice to think...but sometimes I really wonder where it has gotten me.
It blew my mind because in fact, we're all grabbing people and kissing them every day of our lives. Just to know we still have some control left. Because everything around is changing so quickly and every day you're just somehow not fully awake to catch up.
I think it's nice to think...but sometimes I really wonder where it has gotten me.
Monday, February 22, 2010
-
Today as I walked home, I suddenly just needed a hug from my dad. I never know what I want, never. But at that moment I knew right there and then it was what I needed and nothing else.
Shit just happens and everything's just changing. Hugs take everything away. In those few seconds, everything is okay. There's nothing wrong with you, and whatever's wrong with you is really okay. You're not a defected good. Better drink more water.
Shit just happens and everything's just changing. Hugs take everything away. In those few seconds, everything is okay. There's nothing wrong with you, and whatever's wrong with you is really okay. You're not a defected good. Better drink more water.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
(does it worry you to be alone)
friends
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
orange crush
Crying. Some propose that it's our way of getting rid of stress hormones. Others say it's to blur our vision to stop us from doing things we might regret. Either way it's great, to cry.
We spent the whole of painting talking to Mr. Khiew. About love. The thing that comes around and fucks everything up. It's shocking sometimes. It's a bit sad also. But it's not really sad if no one feels sad you know?
Imagine one day, everyone in the world stands in small circles and everyone tells everybody else what exactly he or she wants from the bottom of their hearts. I want my mom home now. I want you. I want to die. I want chocolate. Sounds like a bloody stupid activity really annoying people would get you to do. But it's cuz people just never say what they want. They beat around the damn bush all day, but they just don't get to it. It's even worse because I know I do that too. If you don't tell me what you want I can't give it to you. Just tell me and it's yours, dead serious.
There are really lots of awesome things in life. But somedays you get chocked up really bad. Your voice sounds phony and disgusting when you speak. You have no idea why. You feel rejected. You're told by a stranger that you don't even know what to ask because you know nothing, go to google damnit. You feel like a fucking lousy version of someone else. Sideshow. Everyone's beautiful? Maybe only. If you can slot who we are in boxes then someone's probably me, plus more. It hurts.
It's hard to smell the roses sometimes, it gets really hard. But as long as you know they're there.
We spent the whole of painting talking to Mr. Khiew. About love. The thing that comes around and fucks everything up. It's shocking sometimes. It's a bit sad also. But it's not really sad if no one feels sad you know?
Imagine one day, everyone in the world stands in small circles and everyone tells everybody else what exactly he or she wants from the bottom of their hearts. I want my mom home now. I want you. I want to die. I want chocolate. Sounds like a bloody stupid activity really annoying people would get you to do. But it's cuz people just never say what they want. They beat around the damn bush all day, but they just don't get to it. It's even worse because I know I do that too. If you don't tell me what you want I can't give it to you. Just tell me and it's yours, dead serious.
There are really lots of awesome things in life. But somedays you get chocked up really bad. Your voice sounds phony and disgusting when you speak. You have no idea why. You feel rejected. You're told by a stranger that you don't even know what to ask because you know nothing, go to google damnit. You feel like a fucking lousy version of someone else. Sideshow. Everyone's beautiful? Maybe only. If you can slot who we are in boxes then someone's probably me, plus more. It hurts.
It's hard to smell the roses sometimes, it gets really hard. But as long as you know they're there.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
---
It's good to give your favourite things away sometimes. No point keeping everything yourself.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head.
CNY is quite okay. At least for me it is. We don't have much relatives around, and they don't ask the usual kinds of questions. So it's okay.
Yesterday I touched the piano for the first time in maybe 10 years because I just had to learn to play an intro to a song. I tried to learn how to read musical notes. Felt very pathetic for a while. I basically forgot everything I ever learned about music and the piano. Sometimes I regret quitting a lot, but going back to it now on my own will...I think it's good I did.
Today is Valentine's day. Happy Valentine's. We have learned that flowers are actually just organs of reproduction. On Valentine's day people who just can't do better for the people they love buy pretty looking organs for them. And watch them die. It's not that I don't like flowers or whatever. It's just disgusting sometimes, the valentine's day hype. And the giant teddy bears. Like your love is something to show off like a shiny diamond. You have the license to laugh if/when I contradict myself someday.
Law of attraction says don't use negatives, so I won't ask you to -try not to get lost- but I'm asking you now please just -look where you're going-. I feel like everyday something is trying to...mess with us yknow.
Yesterday I touched the piano for the first time in maybe 10 years because I just had to learn to play an intro to a song. I tried to learn how to read musical notes. Felt very pathetic for a while. I basically forgot everything I ever learned about music and the piano. Sometimes I regret quitting a lot, but going back to it now on my own will...I think it's good I did.
Today is Valentine's day. Happy Valentine's. We have learned that flowers are actually just organs of reproduction. On Valentine's day people who just can't do better for the people they love buy pretty looking organs for them. And watch them die. It's not that I don't like flowers or whatever. It's just disgusting sometimes, the valentine's day hype. And the giant teddy bears. Like your love is something to show off like a shiny diamond. You have the license to laugh if/when I contradict myself someday.
Law of attraction says don't use negatives, so I won't ask you to -try not to get lost- but I'm asking you now please just -look where you're going-. I feel like everyday something is trying to...mess with us yknow.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
i can't decide
Tired. Today was great. Had a fun prata dinner and more rock band. I love listening to The Coral on the way to school. I almost don't wanna get off the bus sometimes you know.
Don't you just love people who annoy you? I'm glad there are people still around to do that. I know I'm no Aristotle or whoever but sometimes when I look at you I just feel like...what the hell is going on in your head? Sometimes it just irks me a lot, irks me that you...are satisfied so easily. I know I shouldn't judge, who knows what you might be thinking about all day. Still, still, stilllll. Irks me how you're so lazy to think sometimes...I'm sorry. And I'm not telling anyone this until I'm sure of how to do it without sounding horrible.
Argh. I'm so sorry. And you're not even reading this. I can't stand people who talk to people through blogs because they're cowards. I'm a coward. I'm a coward for your own good. Actually maybe not. Life is quite tiring business man.
Don't you just love people who annoy you? I'm glad there are people still around to do that. I know I'm no Aristotle or whoever but sometimes when I look at you I just feel like...what the hell is going on in your head? Sometimes it just irks me a lot, irks me that you...are satisfied so easily. I know I shouldn't judge, who knows what you might be thinking about all day. Still, still, stilllll. Irks me how you're so lazy to think sometimes...I'm sorry. And I'm not telling anyone this until I'm sure of how to do it without sounding horrible.
Argh. I'm so sorry. And you're not even reading this. I can't stand people who talk to people through blogs because they're cowards. I'm a coward. I'm a coward for your own good. Actually maybe not. Life is quite tiring business man.
Monday, February 08, 2010
---
Hey you know I was thinking about that meteor shower I dragged you guys to. I mean meteor drip. I'm really happy that we went for it. And I'm not upset or anything anymore. I don't feel cheated or whatever I felt that day/night. I thought about why I wanted so much to see that shower. I just wanted to be reminded that there was something else above all our pettiness and worries. Everything about that night was what I was wanted. Everyone. So maybe we only saw...5 of them flying through the sky. In a surge of un-like-me-ness I thought about people somewhere else watching bombs and fire shooting across the sky just praying for some stillness and silence. I don't know where this thought is supposed to lead.
Maybe that's why people are so fascinated with the sky and outer space. You just can't fathom how there can be no end to it. Like how you can still see the light shining from a dead star, or amazing nebulas and what not. The sky is great.
Maybe that's why people are so fascinated with the sky and outer space. You just can't fathom how there can be no end to it. Like how you can still see the light shining from a dead star, or amazing nebulas and what not. The sky is great.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
before the moment passes and fades
In the midst of piling homework and worries about the future and staying alive, I suddenly realised how perfectly timed everything seems to be.
Like everything was planned for your benefit. Somehow. Like how you were supposed to meet someone now and not anytime earlier or later. How you're exposed to something just at the precise right time for you to take it in.
Like everything was planned for your benefit. Somehow. Like how you were supposed to meet someone now and not anytime earlier or later. How you're exposed to something just at the precise right time for you to take it in.
Friday, February 05, 2010
but the moment never comes
Muse is epic. They came and they left and I dipped so low after that. There is no other band in the world that has made me cry tears of happiness while listening to a song. Pure bliss in the discovery of a hidden synth riff hiding in the corner with every listen, just pure bliss thinking about themes larger than anything we know, about all the black holes and revelations in our lives so far (and those to come). Or maybe life is just one big black hole and a revelation at the end. And pure bliss in [most occasions] not understanding a single thing but going along with it.
Have you ever liked something or someone so much till it kinda hurts?
(Even to the extent that you wish you'd never liked them at all to start with?)
Maybe not. Protecting yourself from sadness comes with sacrifices :)
I won't trade my happiness for anything.
Today I learnt in Biological Studies that your brain isn't really controlling the beat of your heart. Correct me if I'm wrong because I'm sort of not sure about this. Assuming it's true. It would be quite an accurate reflection of how I'm feeling. A walking contradiction. I find it hard believing in God because of the state of things and because I can't find empirical evidence. But there are so many pleasant facts around me that I choose to ignore and fears about people leaving that I listen to. The heart is independent in that sense.
None of us has even a vague idea of the extent to which someone can hang on another person's every move.
Have you ever liked something or someone so much till it kinda hurts?
(Even to the extent that you wish you'd never liked them at all to start with?)
Maybe not. Protecting yourself from sadness comes with sacrifices :)
I won't trade my happiness for anything.
Today I learnt in Biological Studies that your brain isn't really controlling the beat of your heart. Correct me if I'm wrong because I'm sort of not sure about this. Assuming it's true. It would be quite an accurate reflection of how I'm feeling. A walking contradiction. I find it hard believing in God because of the state of things and because I can't find empirical evidence. But there are so many pleasant facts around me that I choose to ignore and fears about people leaving that I listen to. The heart is independent in that sense.
None of us has even a vague idea of the extent to which someone can hang on another person's every move.
Monday, February 01, 2010
AHHH
OMFG MUSE IS COMING IN 2 DAYS!!!!!!
MUSE!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHH.
WHY IS THIS FONT SO SMALL!!!
MUSE!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHH.
WHY IS THIS FONT SO SMALL!!!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
----
Facebook is the most serious pile of bullshit ever. (Yes I know I have one.)
And I don't care if you like f-book because this is my fucking blog, so I say whatever I want okay.
Okay I'm cracking up as I say this.
But seriously. It's not that I want it gone, (who cares if I want it gone anyway) it's just one of those things where you just dislike them for what they are. I think there's some grammar problem there but nevermind. It's not that I think that the world would strictly be a better place without it. It's one of those inevitable annoyances. Like hippies would have an idealistic idea of what the world should be but so what if you cure all sickness and poverty and war? People'll start fighting again and rob off the already less fortunate. Inevitable Annoyance.
I think even blogger and msn are IAs as well but facebook really takes the cake. I'm not taking a one-sided view because I know there are benefits to using this fbook like keeping in touch with old faces, but people could do this before this system was invented. I think it just shows that we're making the world so much harder to live in. You make the world a more tricky place and devise gadgets to help yourself.
And I don't care if you like f-book because this is my fucking blog, so I say whatever I want okay.
Okay I'm cracking up as I say this.
But seriously. It's not that I want it gone, (who cares if I want it gone anyway) it's just one of those things where you just dislike them for what they are. I think there's some grammar problem there but nevermind. It's not that I think that the world would strictly be a better place without it. It's one of those inevitable annoyances. Like hippies would have an idealistic idea of what the world should be but so what if you cure all sickness and poverty and war? People'll start fighting again and rob off the already less fortunate. Inevitable Annoyance.
I think even blogger and msn are IAs as well but facebook really takes the cake. I'm not taking a one-sided view because I know there are benefits to using this fbook like keeping in touch with old faces, but people could do this before this system was invented. I think it just shows that we're making the world so much harder to live in. You make the world a more tricky place and devise gadgets to help yourself.
which way to happy
I don't know what's the right way to say bye. Not saying bye for forever but saying bye after you just hung out. I don't know what's considered to be enough, but...maybe it's just me, but I always think it never is. Enough. But I don't know what you do, do you just walk away? Or do you give a wave and smile and then walk away? Do you hug/kiss and then step away from each other then walk away? How many times do you turn back to look? Do you turn back at all? I never like it when you're talking a lot, and then someone has to go somewhere else and whatever you've been talking about is just cut off as they go.
Sometimes when we're talking I imagine our words being translated into text in a book right as we're speaking, I imagine that someone is writing a story with us in it. Your ouch! becomes an ''ouch!' he/she exclaimed'. There are moments where we sound way cooler in text, I admit.
I went to Jedd's house yesterday. It is a-ma-zing. Like you have to split 'amazing' into 3 syllables when you say it. Swear-worthy amazing. I just kept saying -kick-ass- at everything I saw after I got sick of awesome. Seriously kick ass. Had Crystle, Milon and Wayne over today for prata and rockband. It's such a draining game especially if you're on the drums I find. We started our own retarded band, such a laugh.
And they told me to give my phone a hard twack to get it working again and I didn't listen. I genuinely panicked because I thought all my messages and my contacts would be gone, phone's been screwed for 2 days. In the end I did, give it a twack. It worked.
I am an official believer of the twack theory.
Sometimes when we're talking I imagine our words being translated into text in a book right as we're speaking, I imagine that someone is writing a story with us in it. Your ouch! becomes an ''ouch!' he/she exclaimed'. There are moments where we sound way cooler in text, I admit.
I went to Jedd's house yesterday. It is a-ma-zing. Like you have to split 'amazing' into 3 syllables when you say it. Swear-worthy amazing. I just kept saying -kick-ass- at everything I saw after I got sick of awesome. Seriously kick ass. Had Crystle, Milon and Wayne over today for prata and rockband. It's such a draining game especially if you're on the drums I find. We started our own retarded band, such a laugh.
And they told me to give my phone a hard twack to get it working again and I didn't listen. I genuinely panicked because I thought all my messages and my contacts would be gone, phone's been screwed for 2 days. In the end I did, give it a twack. It worked.
I am an official believer of the twack theory.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
alright
Everyone in this room- they've got troubles too, secret stories and lies that we never knew.
I went to Borders after school today. While waiting for my dad I read some books, including that Secret book that used to be everywhere, cept that this one was some teen version. I don't really buy what it says completely but I don't think it's completely meaningless either. I saw another book which quoted this:
"People are so busy chasing happiness- if they would slow down and turn around, they would give it a chance to catch up with them."
I don't know who said this but I thought I'd like to share it with you. It meant something to me because I keep waiting for that moment in my life where everything will be more or less resolved and I'll be 'happy'. I think it's better to just live everything out than wait for some fantastical shining moment to finally come by.
I went to Borders after school today. While waiting for my dad I read some books, including that Secret book that used to be everywhere, cept that this one was some teen version. I don't really buy what it says completely but I don't think it's completely meaningless either. I saw another book which quoted this:
"People are so busy chasing happiness- if they would slow down and turn around, they would give it a chance to catch up with them."
I don't know who said this but I thought I'd like to share it with you. It meant something to me because I keep waiting for that moment in my life where everything will be more or less resolved and I'll be 'happy'. I think it's better to just live everything out than wait for some fantastical shining moment to finally come by.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
-------
I've got Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds stuck in my head. It's such a lovely song, and I'm gonna ignore the whole LSD thing.
Next time I should set my status to Away when I'm Away. Sorry. Anyway...Sometimes, and most of the time I don't tell people how much I appreciate them. I think I'm scared they'll be weirded out or think I'm trying to suck up. Such a horrible impression of the world I have.
I had a dream yesterday where hippies were telling us how they plan to change the world. Maybe I'm a secret hippie. Oh no.
I can't sleep properly if I think that something is left hanging because a lot of weird things happen overnight. You wake up the next day and realise that you don't feel like talking to someone anymore, or you fall asleep totally well and wake up sick. All the weird things happen overnight. Good things happen overnight too of course. But sometimes I feel like calling someone up before I go to sleep just to make sure things won't change the next day. There are days where I want to call everyone. I wonder when this feeling will go away. :( Someday, or maybe never.
Next time I should set my status to Away when I'm Away. Sorry. Anyway...Sometimes, and most of the time I don't tell people how much I appreciate them. I think I'm scared they'll be weirded out or think I'm trying to suck up. Such a horrible impression of the world I have.
I had a dream yesterday where hippies were telling us how they plan to change the world. Maybe I'm a secret hippie. Oh no.
I can't sleep properly if I think that something is left hanging because a lot of weird things happen overnight. You wake up the next day and realise that you don't feel like talking to someone anymore, or you fall asleep totally well and wake up sick. All the weird things happen overnight. Good things happen overnight too of course. But sometimes I feel like calling someone up before I go to sleep just to make sure things won't change the next day. There are days where I want to call everyone. I wonder when this feeling will go away. :( Someday, or maybe never.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
----
I am in love love love. With Edward Gorey's works. They are amazing. So dark and insanely, insanely beautiful.
There are some moments in some days where I feel really hopeless. My dad always uses that word, not on me, but that's how he describes things he doesn't like, and he's used it so much it doesn't seem like it cuts as much as it actually does.
I don't think you are a gone case if you ask 'what's the point?'. You're only a gone case if you don't.
I hate it when the pressure gets to me. Under pressure. I imagine all the faces staring at me, wanting me to do good, do well. Sometimes you really don't understand. Sometimes you think we want all this. All we want is just for people to be happy with what we are. Sometimes we try too hard to compensate. (For nothing, really. There's nothing to compensate for.) Then another scene from igby goes down pops into my head, one where his father is in the shower with his clothes on and he says he feels this great pressure coming down on me...crushing me.
But we get through everyday because for every bad thing there is always enough goodness to balance the scale and that's great to know.
Garbage- I think I'm Paranoid
There are some moments in some days where I feel really hopeless. My dad always uses that word, not on me, but that's how he describes things he doesn't like, and he's used it so much it doesn't seem like it cuts as much as it actually does.
I don't think you are a gone case if you ask 'what's the point?'. You're only a gone case if you don't.
I hate it when the pressure gets to me. Under pressure. I imagine all the faces staring at me, wanting me to do good, do well. Sometimes you really don't understand. Sometimes you think we want all this. All we want is just for people to be happy with what we are. Sometimes we try too hard to compensate. (For nothing, really. There's nothing to compensate for.) Then another scene from igby goes down pops into my head, one where his father is in the shower with his clothes on and he says he feels this great pressure coming down on me...crushing me.
But we get through everyday because for every bad thing there is always enough goodness to balance the scale and that's great to know.
Garbage- I think I'm Paranoid
Friday, January 22, 2010
feels so unnatural
I was very upset with napfa. I was very upset with the fools who devised this torture device and who assume, present tense, that being a few months older means you're that much stronger. Fools. But I'm not gonna be annoyed anymore because somehow it will work out. Yeah.Today we had the subject selection talk, nothing new really. Guess it was mostly useful in scaring me/us quite a bit as usual. The best/good part was when we got to go to the rooftop at night. It's not exactly breathtaking but pretty cool. You can really see how concrete S'pore is. Like how if a giant falls on us his back will totally bleed.
This week was characterized by a certain kind of whizzness and discontentment that I can't explain. I'm sure you've felt it before. We had IH today, and I thought we had IH just yesterday, when it was really all the way back on monday. I think I'm still crawling against time. Anyway it's not the point, I don't know what the point of what I'm saying is anyway, I've lost the plot. But nevermind.
I agree that the littlest things matter the most. Not those giant proclamations of friendship or relying on the 'fact' that your friendship is already 'established' for a considerable amount of time and therefore still exists, with quite absolutely very little fuel left to burn. Not that I'm comparing friendship to something with a fixed capacity and expiry date. It's better to be positive and cheerful but you can't always ignore the inconvenient things that start to appear after a while. You can't help but feel it. S'been a strain for at least a year.
This sounds mushier than mash potatoes but it's the brightening and widening of that person's eyes when you're saying something, and for real, the glances that really say so much more than a 4k worded essay can, when the person detects the 'help me' in your eyes. It's like always having a really good jam session with them even if you guys both suck and one of you has snapped 3 strings. It's so cool.
It's really really so cool to know how good it can get and I'm sure you know that too, reader.
You really know how good it could be.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
'sheer ingenuity'
Sometimes I open the door and I wonder how I got myself home. [Not dementia]. It's just that feeling of 'I was there and now I'm here'. Somehow it just like happens everyday.
On the bus home I was thinking about this scene in Igby Goes Down where Igby is punching his mother's dead body. It's gross but I couldn't help but imagine all the dead organs in her body just being pushed and squirming around. And at that moment I genuinely believed that we had to have souls, mostly because I'm not accepting the idea that I'm only made of cells. Will contradict myself later.
Speaking of movies. I'm no movie buff so I can't critique a movie objectively but I have realised one thing that shows I really enjoyed one. And that's when I look at the movie poster after I've watched it and still feel excited and proud. Because some movies just make you wonder if you're watching the right one, all the useless hype.
All, or a hell lot of those self-help books out there will tell you not to let external events affect your internal situation. I kept telling that to myself everyday to keep my head above water until I asked this question...if external events don't affect your internal situation then what does? Sounds like a dumb question but I really don't know.
The Real Tuesday Weld- Last Words
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
today, and everyday
Sunday, January 17, 2010
bodies lie in the bright grass and some are murdered and some are picnicking
I haven't done Jane's bloody journal. Anyway. Someone older and much wiser told us that there are some things that kids our age, students, shouldn't know. In the past I would have disagreed straight away because I assumed I was level-headed enough to handle any kind of knowledge. [Probably cuz I never thought through anything properly enough to get affected] But now...noww I'm starting to think that maybe there really are some things which we're better off not knowing. So scary huh. And quite funny.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
you live the surprise results of old plans
I am 16 today, closer to twenty than I am to ten. But still a kid. With certain privileges. (Insert smile).
I won't write about yesterday because it was beyond anything I've ever felt, beyond anything I've written about here and beyond anything I am now.
Today I finally got to have my Rosti and mushroom soup in Marche. The mushroom soup there is really ace. Of course not as ace as campbell's.
I read the book I was given. And after I turned the last page I realised the reason as to why I was/am so cynical to love. I'm not talking about a t-shirt saying 'I love my boyfriend'. I'm talking about the kind of love I can't even describe, the kind that I don't think anyone can. Love between friends, family, neighbours, strangers, people you read about in the news, I don't know.
Maybe my heart is just hardened, or maybe I'm too afraid to be vulnerable. I have to be honest because there's nothing worth faking. But I think that I have never loved anyone more than myself.
No matter how much self-loathing you feel sometimes, I feel like you will always love yourself enough to defend yourself from hurt. Man I feel cheesier than the pizza now, think I'm even cheesier than the moon.
Sometimes I stare really long at a post before hitting the publish button. Staring...
I won't write about yesterday because it was beyond anything I've ever felt, beyond anything I've written about here and beyond anything I am now.
Today I finally got to have my Rosti and mushroom soup in Marche. The mushroom soup there is really ace. Of course not as ace as campbell's.
I read the book I was given. And after I turned the last page I realised the reason as to why I was/am so cynical to love. I'm not talking about a t-shirt saying 'I love my boyfriend'. I'm talking about the kind of love I can't even describe, the kind that I don't think anyone can. Love between friends, family, neighbours, strangers, people you read about in the news, I don't know.
Maybe my heart is just hardened, or maybe I'm too afraid to be vulnerable. I have to be honest because there's nothing worth faking. But I think that I have never loved anyone more than myself.
No matter how much self-loathing you feel sometimes, I feel like you will always love yourself enough to defend yourself from hurt. Man I feel cheesier than the pizza now, think I'm even cheesier than the moon.
Sometimes I stare really long at a post before hitting the publish button. Staring...
Thursday, January 14, 2010
suspension of time?
Fuuurrckkkkk. School is really killing me right now. Hahaha...shit.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
falling off the field of rye
I had this idea for a while, to help me combat those feelings of self-consciousness. The idea that a person's world is created for them, and everyone else in it are just figures. In that way I'm just a figure to someone else. And anything stupid or strange I do is just something a particular figure has done. It's almost like dettaching yourself from what people know you as.
We had 'painting' today, and I say 'painting' with the thingies on top because it isn't really painting at all. We can even stretch what painting is ie. not use paint. So in other words we can sort of do anything. That's art for you.
Today, again, my brain turned to mush. For a while I felt like I wasn't even there, like I just fell asleep in a corner and dreamed the whole day out and someone dragged me home. I want someone to drag me home.
We had 'painting' today, and I say 'painting' with the thingies on top because it isn't really painting at all. We can even stretch what painting is ie. not use paint. So in other words we can sort of do anything. That's art for you.
Today, again, my brain turned to mush. For a while I felt like I wasn't even there, like I just fell asleep in a corner and dreamed the whole day out and someone dragged me home. I want someone to drag me home.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
predictably irrational
Our DNA is 99% the same and we need the same nutrients to survive. I can't fathom why it's so hard to relate sometimes. Act like there's no hierarchy or anything of that sort, only a beautiful kind of difference.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
start another fire
The buttons are getting harder and harder to button right now. Ack. But I think we should be...flattered. Or something.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
I stand corrected
I had a brilliant sleep though I dreamt that I was tossing and turning in bed trying to sleep, all while I was really sleeping. And then I woke up an hour later. Told my mom I was late and she laughed. Yesterday I called the NLB helpdesk to retrieve my username and I could tell the lady was cracking up when she read it out. Anywayyyy...
It's so facepalm that I'm blogging about this when I should be 'bitching about somebody' or something but I truly admire the quote by Lao Tzu that Mr. Jackson chose in the handbook. I don't want to be a prisoner, and I don't want to keep fearing that someone'll tap my back and say 'fraud'. Not anymore.
The quote by Michael Leunig is the best of all.
*facepalm, I know.
It's so facepalm that I'm blogging about this when I should be 'bitching about somebody' or something but I truly admire the quote by Lao Tzu that Mr. Jackson chose in the handbook. I don't want to be a prisoner, and I don't want to keep fearing that someone'll tap my back and say 'fraud'. Not anymore.
The quote by Michael Leunig is the best of all.
*facepalm, I know.
Monday, January 04, 2010
just when the boat is sinking...
Yay day 1.
So many times you don't realise something till someone points it out. Like how my polo tee has turned grey. Just like the...nevermind. If I were forced to say something meaningful it would have to be that the environment truly has the power to affect the way you think, for better or worse.
My heads getting out of control for real, I say this with real desparation. I feel like the corpse bride with the worm in her head popping out of her eye socket. But I can't fling him away or push my eyeball back. Can only sit down or lie down and wish it all away, or keep playing music or having the tv on or talking so I can't have anytime to let them come back. Sigh, the woes of being a human being.
Thank God I'm in sota. It can be intimidating at times, (but I'm always intimidated by everything anyway) but just...thank god.
So many times you don't realise something till someone points it out. Like how my polo tee has turned grey. Just like the...nevermind. If I were forced to say something meaningful it would have to be that the environment truly has the power to affect the way you think, for better or worse.
My heads getting out of control for real, I say this with real desparation. I feel like the corpse bride with the worm in her head popping out of her eye socket. But I can't fling him away or push my eyeball back. Can only sit down or lie down and wish it all away, or keep playing music or having the tv on or talking so I can't have anytime to let them come back. Sigh, the woes of being a human being.
Thank God I'm in sota. It can be intimidating at times, (but I'm always intimidated by everything anyway) but just...thank god.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
eraser
Shucks end of holiday. Got some things done, got some things forgotten as well I'm sure but nevermind. Kinda happy to go back to school and see the new campus, I don't care if it's totally done or not.
My folks, especially mother, were really worried about my brother not getting all his uni applications and whatever else necessary done in time, and she (mother) ranted on about how she can't understand how last-minute people can exist in this world etc. etc. all that ranting. But happy times for them because, the next day, or maybe 2 or 3 days later, he finds out he's accepted by Oxford. (Man.) So the remaining applications, can just throw them away. Well except for maybe one.
I'm happy of course, but once again, like everytime, his ego is boosted, and he gets another ticket of "permission" to look down on others. I'm quite sure there are other ways to measure human worth.
I just read Off-centre. I think we're all mentally-ill in a way. Victims of some kinda system, at times self-inflicted. But I'm saying this in a really neutral way, maybe even with a touch of (resigned) optimism. We should just establish that there is no centre, and kill the need to get there.
My folks, especially mother, were really worried about my brother not getting all his uni applications and whatever else necessary done in time, and she (mother) ranted on about how she can't understand how last-minute people can exist in this world etc. etc. all that ranting. But happy times for them because, the next day, or maybe 2 or 3 days later, he finds out he's accepted by Oxford. (Man.) So the remaining applications, can just throw them away. Well except for maybe one.
I'm happy of course, but once again, like everytime, his ego is boosted, and he gets another ticket of "permission" to look down on others. I'm quite sure there are other ways to measure human worth.
I just read Off-centre. I think we're all mentally-ill in a way. Victims of some kinda system, at times self-inflicted. But I'm saying this in a really neutral way, maybe even with a touch of (resigned) optimism. We should just establish that there is no centre, and kill the need to get there.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
-
Goodbye sanity. Sometimes you might think perhaps being a teenager means you've developed more of your brain and maturity, and you're ready to take on new challenging ideas. If you're like my parents you would give teenagers the benefit of the doubt. Don't. Because right now I'm getting even more screwed up by the minute, and if your brain is like a wobbly piece of jelly, slopping on more piles of jelly on it'll make it all slide off, contaminating the original piece bit by bit in the process. Everyone knows, that the REAL way to learn any crap, is to experience it yourself, not read it in theory from a fucking book. Sometimes, you have to let people make their own mistakes.
And you know what the worst thing is. The worst thing right now. Is to feel absolutely on the edge, to feel all the emotional violence going on, and then you look around, and all the cars are still driving by, the air is moving lazily, the clock is just ticking. It's like everything you feel makes no difference. It's like maybe, you're really that insignificant. So many things are happening underneath the surface every day. And those things aren't very convenient sometimes.
And you know what the worst thing is. The worst thing right now. Is to feel absolutely on the edge, to feel all the emotional violence going on, and then you look around, and all the cars are still driving by, the air is moving lazily, the clock is just ticking. It's like everything you feel makes no difference. It's like maybe, you're really that insignificant. So many things are happening underneath the surface every day. And those things aren't very convenient sometimes.
Friday, December 18, 2009
-
Yay. Yesterday I rode a bike round ecp with friends and it was great. Except for the part where I fell with the bike from laughing too hard. Don't laugh too hard when you're riding a bike.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
--
Gotta go to the dentist tomorrow, damn. Really hope she doesn't keep asking questions, they know you can't answer and they still do that sometimes.
It's already december, december just came while I was on holiday, and when I'm not in S'pore I have absolutely no sense of time whatsoever (seriously) so december just crept in. I can't believe that my aunt who looks really fine for her age (like really) is already a grandmother, and she was commenting on how this year totally shot through us like a bullet (aaouch), then I agreed and she was shocked, and so were the other adults present because things went so slowly for them when they were younger. The taxi driver said the same thing she did, about time flying. I guess everyone was having quite some fun then.
It's already december, december just came while I was on holiday, and when I'm not in S'pore I have absolutely no sense of time whatsoever (seriously) so december just crept in. I can't believe that my aunt who looks really fine for her age (like really) is already a grandmother, and she was commenting on how this year totally shot through us like a bullet (aaouch), then I agreed and she was shocked, and so were the other adults present because things went so slowly for them when they were younger. The taxi driver said the same thing she did, about time flying. I guess everyone was having quite some fun then.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
--
Got back in S'pore at like 1 in the morning, won't really wax about the trip though it was quite awesome. Not much of wildlife but the cities and stuff. I thought it'd be really hot in australia but I froze at some points and didn't sweat at all. I considered the 8hour flight back home part of the holiday as well cuz we somehow got upgraded to business class on SIA cuz of my dad, very wow. Yeah the folks love being economical so I've never sat on business class ever in SIA and it was great, finally being able to rest properly without having my head on someone's lap. The headsets block out so much sound, the screens are bigger. The toilet has more space too. See how funny this is, I go on a holiday and I go on and on about the damn plane.
Anyway, I'm going to go on about the taxi driver now. I felt pretty shit cuz the driver was so shocked we went to australia, a really crazy incredibly exotic far out place in his mind. Said he'd never been out of the country at all, and he's gonna be driving this taxi till 6 in the morning. Then my dad started talking about the economy, I seriously don't know how that helps. A really facepalm moment. That really got the driver pretty depressed about things and he went on about how everyday you get closer to a heart attack, not being able to sleep well, worrying about the money. How people with money celebrate CNY happily while people like him are dropping tears, it was a really depressing conversation to hear. My dad couldn't shoot the crap anymore. It was quite sad. For a second I was afraid he'd [the driver] get so revved up and just give up and do something silly. Though it's really nothing much compared to those giant homes out there, I think dropping us off at our place got him even sadder. What to do.
Anyway, I'm going to go on about the taxi driver now. I felt pretty shit cuz the driver was so shocked we went to australia, a really crazy incredibly exotic far out place in his mind. Said he'd never been out of the country at all, and he's gonna be driving this taxi till 6 in the morning. Then my dad started talking about the economy, I seriously don't know how that helps. A really facepalm moment. That really got the driver pretty depressed about things and he went on about how everyday you get closer to a heart attack, not being able to sleep well, worrying about the money. How people with money celebrate CNY happily while people like him are dropping tears, it was a really depressing conversation to hear. My dad couldn't shoot the crap anymore. It was quite sad. For a second I was afraid he'd [the driver] get so revved up and just give up and do something silly. Though it's really nothing much compared to those giant homes out there, I think dropping us off at our place got him even sadder. What to do.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
borrowed words
I didn't get no free bag. Anyway. Ohhhkay day I guess, got some exercise though the mood wasn't totally there. Won't go into a commentary but privacy will literally be a thing of the past if some of those ideas are really developed, not too hot about it. I think I kinda like reading things on paper too. Gather all your non-electronic, inanimate stuff right now and hold them close.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Hide Another Mistake
Things turned out quite perfectly yes, got hit by the universe but then it decided to turn around and hand me some ice. The U is some thing indeed, something you might hate to love, something that really makes you hate to love. It's true that some important things can't be counted and equated but maybe it could be such that everything you do shows someone whether to stay or walk away.
I missed the first part of the design congress thingy, but I'm going for the second day tomorrow, really hoping it's good. Really hoping I get the free bag.
I missed the first part of the design congress thingy, but I'm going for the second day tomorrow, really hoping it's good. Really hoping I get the free bag.
Monday, November 23, 2009
So it's playing out right before my eyes, pathetic lonely useless piece of flesh. Feeling embarrassed for caring too much. Like a stupid naive child, child child child, always being so needy. Two parents not enough for you? If only we were sims and had relationship bars to check on right? Then you'd never have to worry about being the sore loser.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
drip
Camped overnight at Japanese garden to watch the Leonid metoer shower, guess my expectations were too much but seeing 5 shooting stars was pretty good! 5 stars for 5 people. My first time seeing a complete constellation in the sky as well, perfect camp spot. Lost a whole night of sleep and I kinda frittered today away snoozing off, oh well. What now tomorrow.
Monday, November 16, 2009
awesome
Thursday, November 12, 2009
what is and what should never be
Real fashed. Watched The Song of Sparrows today, real good treat. Way better than ben & jerry's. Forgot when the last guitar lesson was...anyway...we're back.
Monday, November 09, 2009
don't be afraid to care
I wish I wasn't. I love google earth. The sky is mind-blowing. Everything else seems so insignificant now. Had another of those nightmares, I really don't understand. I heard someone say an odd simple sentence so insanely loaded. Guess once we grow up our folksies can't appease us with toys and gadgets anymore, everything just gets more complicated, we grow older so do they. I can't listen to anymore stories from my dad. It's such a common ache, but it hurts real bad sometimes, missing the days when those characters really existed in my mind, when I really thought they lived in the house we drove pass. I don't want my dad to ever stop saying 'ohno' even in animated movies, how adults feign panic to increase the excitement for little kiddies. 15's not so big yet, right. This kinda bites.
(And the piano's actually a percussion instrument.)
(And the piano's actually a percussion instrument.)
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