on the bathroom floor

Hi.

2010-09-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

Hey.

I'm

still alive.

scambled eggs

2010-03-13T05:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry blogger.

little favours

2010-03-12T05:27:00.000-08:00

Go to Red Mango @ Wilkie Edge. It's really tasty fro-yo and they've got 15% discount for sota students. How nice izzat.

Anyway I wish I liked Tau huay, I really wish I did. But some things just can't be helped. Today I choked on the lit test, or maybe I panicked, you decide. If you really wanna know the difference go read this.

For a second, I wish I had external help. I've denied myself external help, or the psychological illusion of external help, and right now I'm wishing this thought never came into my mind.

I'm glad 30% of the world is spared from such headaches. I never want to talk about this again.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling terrible. I feel lukewarm.

------

2010-03-11T06:18:00.000-08:00

Amazing work by Richard Wilson. It's Oil. I would love to blow on it.

I'm so tired. The evening concert was more than worth it though. Really, really blew me away. It killed me. Such amazing people, not self-assertive at all. It's a loss not to see them in their zone.

contantly bailing out water

2010-03-10T05:47:00.000-08:00

You get stuck in the well, and you cry out for help.
Then when the silence sets in
You look down
and find yourself standing within the reflection of the stars and the moon.

This week has been going quite nicely. My ipod crashed on me, some stupid phone call, but it's really nothing.

Sometimes it really bites to be understanding. It's a bite I know I should endure, in fact I want to. But it bites. Why hurt yourself when you can do it the easy way? You're really not obliged to care. Guess my mom really taught me too well.

any fool with a microphone

2010-03-07T04:57:00.000-08:00

I saw the sun retreat beneath the hills from my window. It's not anything spectacular, not the first time, and it's not like I saw it descend down the ocean with all the zen music accompaniment.

Still.

I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.

2010-03-05T05:35:00.001-08:00

The burning question of the day: Why not Italy dispose of all its garbage in Mt. Vesuvius? Maybe clog it up or something. Kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Yeah if only life were that simple.
-------------

"As much as anything else, it was the stare, not so paradoxically, of a privacy-lover who, once his privacy has been invaded, doesn't quite approve when the invader just gets up and leaves,

one-two-three, like that."

-J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

a star to consume

2010-03-04T05:43:00.000-08:00

I'm losing the plot man. Lost part of it already.
It's not to say I'm depressed or insane. In fact I'm really very happy. Swearworthy happy.
It's just that I'm losing the plot at the same time yknow.
Just that I'm stabbing my drink with my straw more times than necessary.

Sometimes I wish I were snobby and opinionated. Snobs don't suffer. They just too damn good for all that.

uh he went out...the door...

2010-03-03T04:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes what you're after's not your fault.

Just give me maybe 1 day. Or 1 week. I'll find a way.

yeah. i dunno.

2010-03-02T06:16:00.000-08:00

I will remember The Prata House for the rest of my entire life.

everyone's a VIP to someone

2010-03-01T05:02:00.000-08:00

I love Clair de Lune. Could just listen to it back to back. Amazing.

I like laughing at S-League with my brother. No offence to S-League. I had a dream where you lot were at my dining table. Then someone took out a cigarette and started smoking. And the whole dining table area became smokey because everyone was doing it. I tried it, and someone said it tasted like fire. I tasted fire in my throat if that's possible. I don't know why anyone would wanna taste fire. Oh well.

We had nice Indian food today, breaking away from prata. It's fun ordering weird sounding things and crossing your fingers.

Everyone enters your life for a certain reason...maybe they'll only stay for a short while and be done with you when they're bored. Some'll stay longer than you expect. You never know, and you can't really help it. You hold on tighter because they aren't obliged to stay.

*

2010-02-26T04:15:00.000-08:00

Thankyew Mr. Khiew.

day dreams

2010-02-24T05:25:00.000-08:00

Things are okay. Before Dr. Yeo left she told us about one part of The Trial by Kafka (if I'm not mistaken) that she initially just couldn't understand, the part where he grabbed the lady and kissed her. I was really puzzled as well but when she told us her interpretation of what happened, it really blew my mind.

It blew my mind because in fact, we're all grabbing people and kissing them every day of our lives. Just to know we still have some control left. Because everything around is changing so quickly and every day you're just somehow not fully awake to catch up.

I think it's nice to think...but sometimes I really wonder where it has gotten me.

-

2010-02-22T05:41:00.000-08:00

Today as I walked home, I suddenly just needed a hug from my dad. I never know what I want, never. But at that moment I knew right there and then it was what I needed and nothing else.

Shit just happens and everything's just changing. Hugs take everything away. In those few seconds, everything is okay. There's nothing wrong with you, and whatever's wrong with you is really okay. You're not a defected good. Better drink more water.

(does it worry you to be alone)

2010-02-18T05:57:00.000-08:00

friends

How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)

orange crush

2010-02-17T04:02:00.000-08:00

Crying. Some propose that it's our way of getting rid of stress hormones. Others say it's to blur our vision to stop us from doing things we might regret. Either way it's great, to cry.

We spent the whole of painting talking to Mr. Khiew. About love. The thing that comes around and fucks everything up. It's shocking sometimes. It's a bit sad also. But it's not really sad if no one feels sad you know?

Imagine one day, everyone in the world stands in small circles and everyone tells everybody else what exactly he or she wants from the bottom of their hearts. I want my mom home now. I want you. I want to die. I want chocolate. Sounds like a bloody stupid activity really annoying people would get you to do. But it's cuz people just never say what they want. They beat around the damn bush all day, but they just don't get to it. It's even worse because I know I do that too. If you don't tell me what you want I can't give it to you. Just tell me and it's yours, dead serious.

There are really lots of awesome things in life. But somedays you get chocked up really bad. Your voice sounds phony and disgusting when you speak. You have no idea why. You feel rejected. You're told by a stranger that you don't even know what to ask because you know nothing, go to google damnit. You feel like a fucking lousy version of someone else. Sideshow. Everyone's beautiful? Maybe only. If you can slot who we are in boxes then someone's probably me, plus more. It hurts.

It's hard to smell the roses sometimes, it gets really hard. But as long as you know they're there.

---

2010-02-16T06:31:00.001-08:00

It's good to give your favourite things away sometimes. No point keeping everything yourself.

everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head.

2010-02-14T05:42:00.000-08:00

CNY is quite okay. At least for me it is. We don't have much relatives around, and they don't ask the usual kinds of questions. So it's okay.

Yesterday I touched the piano for the first time in maybe 10 years because I just had to learn to play an intro to a song. I tried to learn how to read musical notes. Felt very pathetic for a while. I basically forgot everything I ever learned about music and the piano. Sometimes I regret quitting a lot, but going back to it now on my own will...I think it's good I did.

Today is Valentine's day. Happy Valentine's. We have learned that flowers are actually just organs of reproduction. On Valentine's day people who just can't do better for the people they love buy pretty looking organs for them. And watch them die. It's not that I don't like flowers or whatever. It's just disgusting sometimes, the valentine's day hype. And the giant teddy bears. Like your love is something to show off like a shiny diamond. You have the license to laugh if/when I contradict myself someday.

Law of attraction says don't use negatives, so I won't ask you to -try not to get lost- but I'm asking you now please just -look where you're going-. I feel like everyday something is trying to...mess with us yknow.

i can't decide

2010-02-09T06:24:00.000-08:00

Tired. Today was great. Had a fun prata dinner and more rock band. I love listening to The Coral on the way to school. I almost don't wanna get off the bus sometimes you know.

Don't you just love people who annoy you? I'm glad there are people still around to do that. I know I'm no Aristotle or whoever but sometimes when I look at you I just feel like...what the hell is going on in your head? Sometimes it just irks me a lot, irks me that you...are satisfied so easily. I know I shouldn't judge, who knows what you might be thinking about all day. Still, still, stilllll. Irks me how you're so lazy to think sometimes...I'm sorry. And I'm not telling anyone this until I'm sure of how to do it without sounding horrible.

Argh. I'm so sorry. And you're not even reading this. I can't stand people who talk to people through blogs because they're cowards. I'm a coward. I'm a coward for your own good. Actually maybe not. Life is quite tiring business man.

---

2010-02-08T04:31:00.000-08:00

Hey you know I was thinking about that meteor shower I dragged you guys to. I mean meteor drip. I'm really happy that we went for it. And I'm not upset or anything anymore. I don't feel cheated or whatever I felt that day/night. I thought about why I wanted so much to see that shower. I just wanted to be reminded that there was something else above all our pettiness and worries. Everything about that night was what I was wanted. Everyone. So maybe we only saw...5 of them flying through the sky. In a surge of un-like-me-ness I thought about people somewhere else watching bombs and fire shooting across the sky just praying for some stillness and silence. I don't know where this thought is supposed to lead.

Maybe that's why people are so fascinated with the sky and outer space. You just can't fathom how there can be no end to it. Like how you can still see the light shining from a dead star, or amazing nebulas and what not. The sky is great.

before the moment passes and fades

2010-02-07T05:24:00.000-08:00

In the midst of piling homework and worries about the future and staying alive, I suddenly realised how perfectly timed everything seems to be.

Like everything was planned for your benefit. Somehow. Like how you were supposed to meet someone now and not anytime earlier or later. How you're exposed to something just at the precise right time for you to take it in.

but the moment never comes

2010-02-05T06:34:00.000-08:00

Muse is epic. They came and they left and I dipped so low after that. There is no other band in the world that has made me cry tears of happiness while listening to a song. Pure bliss in the discovery of a hidden synth riff hiding in the corner with every listen, just pure bliss thinking about themes larger than anything we know, about all the black holes and revelations in our lives so far (and those to come). Or maybe life is just one big black hole and a revelation at the end. And pure bliss in [most occasions] not understanding a single thing but going along with it.

Have you ever liked something or someone so much till it kinda hurts?
(Even to the extent that you wish you'd never liked them at all to start with?)
Maybe not. Protecting yourself from sadness comes with sacrifices :)
I won't trade my happiness for anything.

Today I learnt in Biological Studies that your brain isn't really controlling the beat of your heart. Correct me if I'm wrong because I'm sort of not sure about this. Assuming it's true. It would be quite an accurate reflection of how I'm feeling. A walking contradiction. I find it hard believing in God because of the state of things and because I can't find empirical evidence. But there are so many pleasant facts around me that I choose to ignore and fears about people leaving that I listen to. The heart is independent in that sense.

None of us has even a vague idea of the extent to which someone can hang on another person's every move.

AHHH

2010-02-01T05:41:00.000-08:00

OMFG MUSE IS COMING IN 2 DAYS!!!!!!
MUSE!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHH.
WHY IS THIS FONT SO SMALL!!!

----

2010-01-30T19:18:00.000-08:00

Facebook is the most serious pile of bullshit ever. (Yes I know I have one.)
And I don't care if you like f-book because this is my fucking blog, so I say whatever I want okay.
Okay I'm cracking up as I say this.

But seriously. It's not that I want it gone, (who cares if I want it gone anyway) it's just one of those things where you just dislike them for what they are. I think there's some grammar problem there but nevermind. It's not that I think that the world would strictly be a better place without it. It's one of those inevitable annoyances. Like hippies would have an idealistic idea of what the world should be but so what if you cure all sickness and poverty and war? People'll start fighting again and rob off the already less fortunate. Inevitable Annoyance.

I think even blogger and msn are IAs as well but facebook really takes the cake. I'm not taking a one-sided view because I know there are benefits to using this fbook like keeping in touch with old faces, but people could do this before this system was invented. I think it just shows that we're making the world so much harder to live in. You make the world a more tricky place and devise gadgets to help yourself.

which way to happy

2010-01-30T04:50:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's the right way to say bye. Not saying bye for forever but saying bye after you just hung out. I don't know what's considered to be enough, but...maybe it's just me, but I always think it never is. Enough. But I don't know what you do, do you just walk away? Or do you give a wave and smile and then walk away? Do you hug/kiss and then step away from each other then walk away? How many times do you turn back to look? Do you turn back at all? I never like it when you're talking a lot, and then someone has to go somewhere else and whatever you've been talking about is just cut off as they go.

Sometimes when we're talking I imagine our words being translated into text in a book right as we're speaking, I imagine that someone is writing a story with us in it. Your ouch! becomes an ''ouch!' he/she exclaimed'. There are moments where we sound way cooler in text, I admit.

I went to Jedd's house yesterday. It is a-ma-zing. Like you have to split 'amazing' into 3 syllables when you say it. Swear-worthy amazing. I just kept saying -kick-ass- at everything I saw after I got sick of awesome. Seriously kick ass. Had Crystle, Milon and Wayne over today for prata and rockband. It's such a draining game especially if you're on the drums I find. We started our own retarded band, such a laugh.

And they told me to give my phone a hard twack to get it working again and I didn't listen. I genuinely panicked because I thought all my messages and my contacts would be gone, phone's been screwed for 2 days. In the end I did, give it a twack. It worked.

I am an official believer of the twack theory.

alright

2010-01-28T04:31:00.000-08:00

Everyone in this room- they've got troubles too, secret stories and lies that we never knew.

I went to Borders after school today. While waiting for my dad I read some books, including that Secret book that used to be everywhere, cept that this one was some teen version. I don't really buy what it says completely but I don't think it's completely meaningless either. I saw another book which quoted this:

"People are so busy chasing happiness- if they would slow down and turn around, they would give it a chance to catch up with them."

I don't know who said this but I thought I'd like to share it with you. It meant something to me because I keep waiting for that moment in my life where everything will be more or less resolved and I'll be 'happy'. I think it's better to just live everything out than wait for some fantastical shining moment to finally come by.

-------

2010-01-27T05:00:00.000-08:00

I've got Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds stuck in my head. It's such a lovely song, and I'm gonna ignore the whole LSD thing.

Next time I should set my status to Away when I'm Away. Sorry. Anyway...Sometimes, and most of the time I don't tell people how much I appreciate them. I think I'm scared they'll be weirded out or think I'm trying to suck up. Such a horrible impression of the world I have.

I had a dream yesterday where hippies were telling us how they plan to change the world. Maybe I'm a secret hippie. Oh no.

I can't sleep properly if I think that something is left hanging because a lot of weird things happen overnight. You wake up the next day and realise that you don't feel like talking to someone anymore, or you fall asleep totally well and wake up sick. All the weird things happen overnight. Good things happen overnight too of course. But sometimes I feel like calling someone up before I go to sleep just to make sure things won't change the next day. There are days where I want to call everyone. I wonder when this feeling will go away. :( Someday, or maybe never.

----

2010-01-26T04:48:00.000-08:00

I am in love love love. With Edward Gorey's works. They are amazing. So dark and insanely, insanely beautiful.

There are some moments in some days where I feel really hopeless. My dad always uses that word, not on me, but that's how he describes things he doesn't like, and he's used it so much it doesn't seem like it cuts as much as it actually does.

I don't think you are a gone case if you ask 'what's the point?'. You're only a gone case if you don't.

I hate it when the pressure gets to me. Under pressure. I imagine all the faces staring at me, wanting me to do good, do well. Sometimes you really don't understand. Sometimes you think we want all this. All we want is just for people to be happy with what we are. Sometimes we try too hard to compensate. (For nothing, really. There's nothing to compensate for.) Then another scene from igby goes down pops into my head, one where his father is in the shower with his clothes on and he says he feels this great pressure coming down on me...crushing me.

But we get through everyday because for every bad thing there is always enough goodness to balance the scale and that's great to know.

Garbage- I think I'm Paranoid

feels so unnatural

2010-01-22T05:56:00.001-08:00

I was very upset with napfa. I was very upset with the fools who devised this torture device and who assume, present tense, that being a few months older means you're that much stronger. Fools. But I'm not gonna be annoyed anymore because somehow it will work out. Yeah.

Today we had the subject selection talk, nothing new really. Guess it was mostly useful in scaring me/us quite a bit as usual. The best/good part was when we got to go to the rooftop at night. It's not exactly breathtaking but pretty cool. You can really see how concrete S'pore is. Like how if a giant falls on us his back will totally bleed.

This week was characterized by a certain kind of whizzness and discontentment that I can't explain. I'm sure you've felt it before. We had IH today, and I thought we had IH just yesterday, when it was really all the way back on monday. I think I'm still crawling against time. Anyway it's not the point, I don't know what the point of what I'm saying is anyway, I've lost the plot. But nevermind.

I agree that the littlest things matter the most. Not those giant proclamations of friendship or relying on the 'fact' that your friendship is already 'established' for a considerable amount of time and therefore still exists, with quite absolutely very little fuel left to burn. Not that I'm comparing friendship to something with a fixed capacity and expiry date. It's better to be positive and cheerful but you can't always ignore the inconvenient things that start to appear after a while. You can't help but feel it. S'been a strain for at least a year.

This sounds mushier than mash potatoes but it's the brightening and widening of that person's eyes when you're saying something, and for real, the glances that really say so much more than a 4k worded essay can, when the person detects the 'help me' in your eyes. It's like always having a really good jam session with them even if you guys both suck and one of you has snapped 3 strings. It's so cool.

It's really really so cool to know how good it can get and I'm sure you know that too, reader.
You really know how good it could be.

'sheer ingenuity'

2010-01-21T04:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I open the door and I wonder how I got myself home. [Not dementia]. It's just that feeling of 'I was there and now I'm here'. Somehow it just like happens everyday.

On the bus home I was thinking about this scene in Igby Goes Down where Igby is punching his mother's dead body. It's gross but I couldn't help but imagine all the dead organs in her body just being pushed and squirming around. And at that moment I genuinely believed that we had to have souls, mostly because I'm not accepting the idea that I'm only made of cells. Will contradict myself later.

Speaking of movies. I'm no movie buff so I can't critique a movie objectively but I have realised one thing that shows I really enjoyed one. And that's when I look at the movie poster after I've watched it and still feel excited and proud. Because some movies just make you wonder if you're watching the right one, all the useless hype.

All, or a hell lot of those self-help books out there will tell you not to let external events affect your internal situation. I kept telling that to myself everyday to keep my head above water until I asked this question...if external events don't affect your internal situation then what does? Sounds like a dumb question but I really don't know.

The Real Tuesday Weld- Last Words

today, and everyday

2010-01-19T04:57:00.000-08:00

bodies lie in the bright grass and some are murdered and some are picnicking

2010-01-17T02:03:00.000-08:00

I haven't done Jane's bloody journal. Anyway. Someone older and much wiser told us that there are some things that kids our age, students, shouldn't know. In the past I would have disagreed straight away because I assumed I was level-headed enough to handle any kind of knowledge. [Probably cuz I never thought through anything properly enough to get affected] But now...noww I'm starting to think that maybe there really are some things which we're better off not knowing. So scary huh. And quite funny.

you live the surprise results of old plans

2010-01-16T04:14:00.000-08:00

I am 16 today, closer to twenty than I am to ten. But still a kid. With certain privileges. (Insert smile).

I won't write about yesterday because it was beyond anything I've ever felt, beyond anything I've written about here and beyond anything I am now.

Today I finally got to have my Rosti and mushroom soup in Marche. The mushroom soup there is really ace. Of course not as ace as campbell's.

I read the book I was given. And after I turned the last page I realised the reason as to why I was/am so cynical to love. I'm not talking about a t-shirt saying 'I love my boyfriend'. I'm talking about the kind of love I can't even describe, the kind that I don't think anyone can. Love between friends, family, neighbours, strangers, people you read about in the news, I don't know.

Maybe my heart is just hardened, or maybe I'm too afraid to be vulnerable. I have to be honest because there's nothing worth faking. But I think that I have never loved anyone more than myself.

No matter how much self-loathing you feel sometimes, I feel like you will always love yourself enough to defend yourself from hurt. Man I feel cheesier than the pizza now, think I'm even cheesier than the moon.

Sometimes I stare really long at a post before hitting the publish button. Staring...

suspension of time?

2010-01-14T04:42:00.000-08:00

Fuuurrckkkkk. School is really killing me right now. Hahaha...shit.

falling off the field of rye

2010-01-13T03:34:00.000-08:00

I had this idea for a while, to help me combat those feelings of self-consciousness. The idea that a person's world is created for them, and everyone else in it are just figures. In that way I'm just a figure to someone else. And anything stupid or strange I do is just something a particular figure has done. It's almost like dettaching yourself from what people know you as.

We had 'painting' today, and I say 'painting' with the thingies on top because it isn't really painting at all. We can even stretch what painting is ie. not use paint. So in other words we can sort of do anything. That's art for you.

Today, again, my brain turned to mush. For a while I felt like I wasn't even there, like I just fell asleep in a corner and dreamed the whole day out and someone dragged me home. I want someone to drag me home.

predictably irrational

2010-01-09T06:52:00.000-08:00

Our DNA is 99% the same and we need the same nutrients to survive. I can't fathom why it's so hard to relate sometimes. Act like there's no hierarchy or anything of that sort, only a beautiful kind of difference.

start another fire

2010-01-07T04:12:00.000-08:00

The buttons are getting harder and harder to button right now. Ack. But I think we should be...flattered. Or something.

I stand corrected

2010-01-06T01:57:00.000-08:00

I had a brilliant sleep though I dreamt that I was tossing and turning in bed trying to sleep, all while I was really sleeping. And then I woke up an hour later. Told my mom I was late and she laughed. Yesterday I called the NLB helpdesk to retrieve my username and I could tell the lady was cracking up when she read it out. Anywayyyy...

It's so facepalm that I'm blogging about this when I should be 'bitching about somebody' or something but I truly admire the quote by Lao Tzu that Mr. Jackson chose in the handbook. I don't want to be a prisoner, and I don't want to keep fearing that someone'll tap my back and say 'fraud'. Not anymore.

The quote by Michael Leunig is the best of all.

*facepalm, I know.

just when the boat is sinking...

2010-01-04T03:30:00.000-08:00

Yay day 1.
So many times you don't realise something till someone points it out. Like how my polo tee has turned grey. Just like the...nevermind. If I were forced to say something meaningful it would have to be that the environment truly has the power to affect the way you think, for better or worse.

My heads getting out of control for real, I say this with real desparation. I feel like the corpse bride with the worm in her head popping out of her eye socket. But I can't fling him away or push my eyeball back. Can only sit down or lie down and wish it all away, or keep playing music or having the tv on or talking so I can't have anytime to let them come back. Sigh, the woes of being a human being.

Thank God I'm in sota. It can be intimidating at times, (but I'm always intimidated by everything anyway) but just...thank god.

eraser

2010-01-02T06:10:00.000-08:00

Shucks end of holiday. Got some things done, got some things forgotten as well I'm sure but nevermind. Kinda happy to go back to school and see the new campus, I don't care if it's totally done or not.

My folks, especially mother, were really worried about my brother not getting all his uni applications and whatever else necessary done in time, and she (mother) ranted on about how she can't understand how last-minute people can exist in this world etc. etc. all that ranting. But happy times for them because, the next day, or maybe 2 or 3 days later, he finds out he's accepted by Oxford. (Man.) So the remaining applications, can just throw them away. Well except for maybe one.

I'm happy of course, but once again, like everytime, his ego is boosted, and he gets another ticket of "permission" to look down on others. I'm quite sure there are other ways to measure human worth.

I just read Off-centre. I think we're all mentally-ill in a way. Victims of some kinda system, at times self-inflicted. But I'm saying this in a really neutral way, maybe even with a touch of (resigned) optimism. We should just establish that there is no centre, and kill the need to get there.

-

2009-12-20T06:24:00.000-08:00

Goodbye sanity. Sometimes you might think perhaps being a teenager means you've developed more of your brain and maturity, and you're ready to take on new challenging ideas. If you're like my parents you would give teenagers the benefit of the doubt. Don't. Because right now I'm getting even more screwed up by the minute, and if your brain is like a wobbly piece of jelly, slopping on more piles of jelly on it'll make it all slide off, contaminating the original piece bit by bit in the process. Everyone knows, that the REAL way to learn any crap, is to experience it yourself, not read it in theory from a fucking book. Sometimes, you have to let people make their own mistakes.

And you know what the worst thing is. The worst thing right now. Is to feel absolutely on the edge, to feel all the emotional violence going on, and then you look around, and all the cars are still driving by, the air is moving lazily, the clock is just ticking. It's like everything you feel makes no difference. It's like maybe, you're really that insignificant. So many things are happening underneath the surface every day. And those things aren't very convenient sometimes.

-

2009-12-18T17:55:00.000-08:00

Yay. Yesterday I rode a bike round ecp with friends and it was great. Except for the part where I fell with the bike from laughing too hard. Don't laugh too hard when you're riding a bike.

--

2009-12-13T04:34:00.000-08:00

Gotta go to the dentist tomorrow, damn. Really hope she doesn't keep asking questions, they know you can't answer and they still do that sometimes.

It's already december, december just came while I was on holiday, and when I'm not in S'pore I have absolutely no sense of time whatsoever (seriously) so december just crept in. I can't believe that my aunt who looks really fine for her age (like really) is already a grandmother, and she was commenting on how this year totally shot through us like a bullet (aaouch), then I agreed and she was shocked, and so were the other adults present because things went so slowly for them when they were younger. The taxi driver said the same thing she did, about time flying. I guess everyone was having quite some fun then.

--

2009-12-12T05:21:00.000-08:00

Got back in S'pore at like 1 in the morning, won't really wax about the trip though it was quite awesome. Not much of wildlife but the cities and stuff. I thought it'd be really hot in australia but I froze at some points and didn't sweat at all. I considered the 8hour flight back home part of the holiday as well cuz we somehow got upgraded to business class on SIA cuz of my dad, very wow. Yeah the folks love being economical so I've never sat on business class ever in SIA and it was great, finally being able to rest properly without having my head on someone's lap. The headsets block out so much sound, the screens are bigger. The toilet has more space too. See how funny this is, I go on a holiday and I go on and on about the damn plane.

Anyway, I'm going to go on about the taxi driver now. I felt pretty shit cuz the driver was so shocked we went to australia, a really crazy incredibly exotic far out place in his mind. Said he'd never been out of the country at all, and he's gonna be driving this taxi till 6 in the morning. Then my dad started talking about the economy, I seriously don't know how that helps. A really facepalm moment. That really got the driver pretty depressed about things and he went on about how everyday you get closer to a heart attack, not being able to sleep well, worrying about the money. How people with money celebrate CNY happily while people like him are dropping tears, it was a really depressing conversation to hear. My dad couldn't shoot the crap anymore. It was quite sad. For a second I was afraid he'd [the driver] get so revved up and just give up and do something silly. Though it's really nothing much compared to those giant homes out there, I think dropping us off at our place got him even sadder. What to do.

borrowed words

2009-11-25T05:02:00.000-08:00

I didn't get no free bag. Anyway. Ohhhkay day I guess, got some exercise though the mood wasn't totally there. Won't go into a commentary but privacy will literally be a thing of the past if some of those ideas are really developed, not too hot about it. I think I kinda like reading things on paper too. Gather all your non-electronic, inanimate stuff right now and hold them close.

Hide Another Mistake

2009-11-24T06:13:00.000-08:00

Things turned out quite perfectly yes, got hit by the universe but then it decided to turn around and hand me some ice. The U is some thing indeed, something you might hate to love, something that really makes you hate to love. It's true that some important things can't be counted and equated but maybe it could be such that everything you do shows someone whether to stay or walk away.

I missed the first part of the design congress thingy, but I'm going for the second day tomorrow, really hoping it's good. Really hoping I get the free bag.

2009-11-23T01:22:00.000-08:00

So it's playing out right before my eyes, pathetic lonely useless piece of flesh. Feeling embarrassed for caring too much. Like a stupid naive child, child child child, always being so needy. Two parents not enough for you? If only we were sims and had relationship bars to check on right? Then you'd never have to worry about being the sore loser.

drip

2009-11-18T05:03:00.000-08:00

Camped overnight at Japanese garden to watch the Leonid metoer shower, guess my expectations were too much but seeing 5 shooting stars was pretty good! 5 stars for 5 people. My first time seeing a complete constellation in the sky as well, perfect camp spot. Lost a whole night of sleep and I kinda frittered today away snoozing off, oh well. What now tomorrow.

awesome

2009-11-16T02:03:00.000-08:00

Sooo...... I got ticks to see Matt Dom & Wolstie!

what is and what should never be

2009-11-12T05:10:00.000-08:00

Real fashed. Watched The Song of Sparrows today, real good treat. Way better than ben & jerry's. Forgot when the last guitar lesson was...anyway...we're back.

don't be afraid to care

2009-11-09T03:55:00.001-08:00

I wish I wasn't. I love google earth. The sky is mind-blowing. Everything else seems so insignificant now. Had another of those nightmares, I really don't understand. I heard someone say an odd simple sentence so insanely loaded. Guess once we grow up our folksies can't appease us with toys and gadgets anymore, everything just gets more complicated, we grow older so do they. I can't listen to anymore stories from my dad. It's such a common ache, but it hurts real bad sometimes, missing the days when those characters really existed in my mind, when I really thought they lived in the house we drove pass. I don't want my dad to ever stop saying 'ohno' even in animated movies, how adults feign panic to increase the excitement for little kiddies. 15's not so big yet, right. This kinda bites.

(And the piano's actually a percussion instrument.)

people strain their eyes to see

2009-11-04T03:42:00.000-08:00

Okay so it's over. I didn't/don't have the satisfied feeling I was supposed to get but da heck with it. Yes yes it is over and I will definitely enjoy life yes. My head kinda hurts though. I think I'm moving 'migraine' to the top 5 most likely causes of death to yours truly. [I hear you sigh as you shake your head]. I realise that my perfect moment of enlightenment will only come when I'm dead/dying. That's actually not so bad because then I've always got this to look forward to no matter what happens. And I'm not saying this in a dark humour bittersweet resigned kinda way because I like really mean it.

-

2009-11-03T20:35:00.000-08:00

Of excitement, happiness and terror: AAHHHHHHHHHHHH

EMUS

2009-11-02T00:57:00.000-08:00

I sat outside my house door for half an hour [okay could have been worse], wondering why she left the house again, wondering why I don't carry my own set of house keys. I still don't know why actually.

So hard to keep level somedays, so hard to have a clear mind, so hard to think 'what would Buddha do?', so hard not to feel like screaming to the sky Can't you see I'm trying?

And then you only realise that feelings exist when you look at someone again and they look different. Feel the pain when you see the blood. Realise that you've forgotten something when you find that it's not there. Sometimes the thought just slips away without you knowing, and that's the saddest part of all. Imagine all the things you've forgotten, not even knowing that they've escaped you. Boy that is very sad.

Anywayyy.

I can't believe how a huge piece of paper can make me smile so much. Probably the thoughtfulness behind the gift, and of course the gift itself. It makes me think of you and all my short fused crap you had to endure, and of course the brilliant genius epic band that blows my mind and has the brains to figure out how to use the Buchla 200e. Man.

how we hope

2009-11-01T06:19:00.000-08:00

Psapp- tricycle

validation

2009-10-30T20:38:00.000-07:00

I know that anyone who's had the power to fudge around with my life has had the power to make me very happy as well. It has to matter enough if it gets to you. I have an image of a patient on a hospital bed trying to pull off the tubes.

So we're finally doing the halloween thing we've been talking about since the beginning of the year. I think I miss you all a whole lot, and I miss myself, dunno where I went for a while. So much weird crap has happened in between and I'm just relieved that we're relatively unscathed. I would like to think so? [WAIK, no way.]

Neil Gaiman tomorrow, so glad we got tickets. You can say let the chips fall where they may but things will always happen your way somehow.

always in my head

2009-10-29T05:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes if you skim over your consent form really quick or focus your eyes on the space on top of this word, GOODMAN looks like something else. And okay, I take back what I thought/said about the workshops/masterclasses/sports interest groups. I kinda [ohmg] enjoyed them a hell lot more than I intended to. Gulp yes, I said sports interest group. I even loved the classical drawing masterclass, wow. Guess this week wasn't all bad. Wow who drugged my food huh?

best act in the world today

2009-10-27T06:44:00.000-07:00

Eh let's just cut all this nonsense okay. We're all tired people, don't need to get all pissy and stuff, bog knows you're just annoyed, bog knows you wanna think we're living inside a box. You know what, actually I think I'm totally O.K. with it, human nature we blame it. Growing up is turning all of us into fools. Now I'm really toast because I can't even get mad at people, I'm gonna start blaming everyone's mistakes on human nature, cannot do. Gdnight!

bamboo banger

2009-10-26T05:12:00.000-07:00

So the last week of school is here, last week of the academic year. I feel like writing letters to people, but that would be a step closer to muting myself, which I always knew would come but not now. To be honest I don't really like poetry, but I think words are one of the prettiest things out there, and I've never gotten used to the sound of my voice even until now. It wavers and then sounds overly harsh and then weak when I feel so dry, and some things are so hard to say without having to look somewhere else, or without first roughening and jokening how it sounds to ease the tension or embarrassing awkwardness.

Today we talked and we realised together that what some people have that we didn't was the confidence and conviction in expressing their opinions. Well isn't that what it's about then. My respect only extends to the courage they have, not much more because I know there are people out there who know things we/they don't. I don't know if respect is the right word to use, I don't like tossing it around like that. Anyway, these people are people who seldom talk much. I guess it's our own faults, I'm unsure of what the reason is. Point of this whole chunk is, I want to pay more attention to people who don't speak, and should I ever become an educator which I won't ever be (seriously), these are the people I will care about.

I'm sorry I don't feel like going to school now.

don't panic

2009-10-25T04:41:00.000-07:00

The truth is that I am scared and quite nervous. The truth is that a pain can still make me worry. Truth is that, several things right now can make me really happy. And this alone makes me happy, to know that things still matter to me. I want things to keep mattering. Please.

parachutes

2009-10-23T06:25:00.000-07:00

That's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the wall closet.

I used to cry a lot when I was younger over small things and even also on my birthdays cuz I found a whole bunch of relatives/people intimidating. Now it seems like my nose can only turn sour and my eyes will feel warm and that be it.

Now it seems like I know how to identify things better, I know how to put names to things people feel. And because of that everything demands one. Everything demands to be identified. How hard it was when grey areas started to appear. And then I threw them all under the label of numbness or indifference.

I might be indifferent for the rest of my life.

safety bricks

2009-10-22T02:03:00.000-07:00

So like what's harder when you're standing at a spot: anxiously waiting and hoping for something to happen/come or anxiously praying for something not to? Law of attraction makes the latter so much harder. Needn't explain why.

Blitzkrieg Bop

2009-10-21T07:13:00.000-07:00

Man it's so late.
Ha ha haw. So wtf happened today.
Cheers to the Epic FAIL, friends. No use stealing a shirt or trying to lie through our teeths.
Still, things end well and happily somehow, somehow, and we get the warm glowy feelings in our hearts.

So tired.
I wonder if it was true how the first man created felt lonely, needed some companion. How do you even recognize the lack of something if you've never seen or felt it before. How did you know you needed someone around. You didn't even know the person, there's no freaking person to miss. You didn't need anyone. You should've just lived and died. Now you've caused this huge headache, you think it's cool, you think people are happy. Well no one else gets it as easy as you in case you didn't notice. Unlike you who waswerewhatever spoonfeddd, we're the result of a thousand alterations, looking for friends and companions from a pool of a thousand more alterations. You bloody try. Ha ha haw again.

---

2009-10-19T07:55:00.000-07:00

Nice job. Once again I've submitted to the wishes of the annoying (sadly not lesser) self and pushed myself closer to the mold. Yes, the mold I've started to dread a whole lot. Churning out things that don't have my heart stamped on them anymore, spitting things out for your satisfaction and for the rest to know I'm still alive. (Or alive at all) if I want to sound really pitiful and attention seeking.

Anyway enough of this crap, gdnight.

A HEM

2009-10-16T05:32:00.000-07:00

See now, taking a thousand collapses won't work at all if you have the same nagging load on your shoulders, heart beating so hard until you feel like your bolster's alive and missing your mother bear real bad. Bad.

Time is tick tocking away so quietly with the draw of every eyelashy curtain and switch offing of every light and feeling just content is a source of contentment no more.

You want to pummel everything carelessly and scrap off the icky bits whole, wipe that bloody slate clean and let that head sink deep into the sack.

But God sez no.

viddy horrorshow

2009-10-14T20:31:00.000-07:00

Finishing up the fourth diary. The whole idea may be slightly cheesy but it's only really cheesy if you choose to do it the way it's usually portrayed. I wonder where the one I left in the plane from Chicago is...maybe recycled and now containing oily donuts or something.

Speaking of planes it's annoying how the folks keep going overseas. I thought my dad would come back and be back but he leaves twice more in a row. I don't know how many parentless nights I've had, it almost feels like the norm not having them around. And the brother comes back and is awake only at dodgy hours so it makes little difference. I feel like I own this house now. No not really.

Ah yay for tomorrow.

-

2009-10-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

The most fruitful expedition with Janel yesterday from day to night. Wanted to stay in hmv to listen to them play the whole muse album, like some listening party. Got a free book. And we're sucky jaywalkers. Today with milon, people always wanna feel different but it's startlingly comforting when someone else feels the same uncanny feeling. It's quite good. Got a headache watching how I met your mother on the bus again, still love that show.

In primary school we got in stupid small trouble then they ditched me overnight. I dunno, suddenly decided you don't wanna do this anymore and start acting all different. I know people are capable of doing these kinda things, I know it so well. And knowing this makes me quite wary sometimes. Trust is quite damn foolish sometimes.

--

2009-10-09T20:55:00.001-07:00

Everything's all LOL right. All the problems in the world can be solved in a LOL. I never want to hear that fucking LOL again. I'm sorry I'm like that okay. Sometimes I'm really genuine when I say that.

I'm been thinking about that S. How if I get it, the S would totally screw me over. How that S will turn me into someone else, how it'll rob me of my sanity and every ounce of sincerity in my work. What's the S anyway? Isn't it just an investment? It's conditional. Not like your parents' love. But the real world isn't anything like your parents' love so why am I even comparing.

Stupid bloody strive for excellence. I feel like I'm selling my soul for excellence. That's another word I never want to hear.

broken social scene-love and mathematics

ceiling

2009-10-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

500's soundtrack is fantastic. I've been listening to it over and over again.
I can't wait to get over with all these road-checks as Dr. Yeo likes to call them (it's the end of the road by the way).

I think I'm coming down with something quite scary...my energy span seems to be decreasing rapidly. It's not the lack of sleep though it's been getting harder as well. It's really quite an accomplishment surviving for 15 years. All the things that could've gone wrong, all the accidents possible. 15 years. My heart has continuously beat for 15 years ++. Wow.

Okay that's enough.

Arghhghgh

2009-10-07T04:37:00.000-07:00

Hey is it weird to feel like it's the holidays already? Oops.
I really wanna watch 500 days of summer. Someone already has it in his ipod...so many distractions.

Arghghghgh.

brief candle

2009-10-06T06:29:00.000-07:00

There was this super loud alarm and all the metal barrier thingies came down. My dad and I in ntuc. It was like a movie, and everyone would be left stuck in a supermarket. At least no one would die of starvation. Anyway. I think somehow the best way to study for arc is to talk about it. And talk about it loudly in public so you sound smart, like you and your friend[s] always have these kinds of intellectual conversations.

I don't get what the point is in lingering about anymore. I don't get the use of talking about it once it's done. I mean it's done, just get out and get on with it. I'm afraid I'm going back to my old way of thinking. Afraid I'm getting all disapproving of what everyone else does like I used to. Cuz I was trying to act like I was independent, not the L word. Bravo Sierra.

Old self, I'm not sure I want you back now. Anyway, anyway. After all this is over I'm going to get rid of this feeling and be normal again.

-

2009-10-05T05:17:00.000-07:00

Glad the xams are finally starting. Faster they start faster they over.

verb off.

2009-10-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

Back from Wole Soyinka. What a guy. I wished I'd paid better attention instead of letting external thoughts keep running through my head. Walked around the area and was thinking about how romantic it was where they hung lots of pretty lights on the trees and where the full moon was shining and the water was so colourful. It's always a really shortlived kinda feeling as everyone knows.

I've evaluated the trends of my life and so many things are just boiling beneath the surface I can't take it anymore. I guess this sorry post is aimed to make you feel better. I'm a human being and naturally enjoy complaining about my life. Deal with it, God. Isn't that how you wanted it?

I'll never be as cool as the rest of you. I'll never be as edgy. I'll never be as smart. I'll never have a best friend. Probably never get a pet who won't run off to another owner. I get sickening verbal constipation when talking to people, who wants to talk anymore? I feel almost as emotionally backward as some characters I read about, I feel pathetic because I can only listen to songs and feel but never experience. I need to grow up, because I still think people can make up after fighting, I still have faith in thinking everyone can be friends if they only understood. This obviously isn't true at all, and I'm going to [adjective] be left in the dust if I don't adjective get with it.

So go ahead and have fun complaining about how you screwed parts of your life up and are 'picking up the pieces'. My life is so adjective blank I have nothing to feel about anything. So cry about how your relationship failed, how he bloody broke your heart. I've never even been close to having one at all. Feel upset over how they're picking on you. They don't even know I exist. Cuz I'm always the one you can trust, and ultimately the one you can forget. The one who'll always help you patch things up with someone else, any problems with me aren't worth patching up at all.

I don't know what I'm here for. Is this some kinda joke? What about the people worse off? Is this some really stupid sadistic joke you're trying to crack? Not amused at all. You want me to believe in what you do? Then why don't you freaking show it and quit being such a bloody coward. Emotional blackmail. I can't even swear at you because apparently all that I've been given is from you. I almost hate you so much for doing this. Why.

You're making life so hard to get on with and give up on.

doublespeak

2009-10-03T05:13:00.000-07:00

Com is lagging on me.
Life is lagging on me.
We're all propagandists.

Study session with Janel and Milon, guess it's a pretty good thing that my house was empty. Walked over for awesome prata and stuff. Great weather. Janel left early and we were supposed to come back and spend the rest of the time studying. Ended up watching district 9 and an episode of how I met your mother. Yes I LOVE that show. Didn't study much though. Shit.

There's always this gap I feel when talking to people. This stupid thing that gets in the way.
Don't wanna do this anymore. Wonder how long I can stifle my study conscience.
And there's nothing wrong with reading edward de bono's books.

thin air

2009-10-01T06:56:00.000-07:00

Maybe living alone isn't so bad. You don't have to open your mouth to anyone, get to know your furniture better.

72 tanjong rhu pau

2009-09-29T05:45:00.000-07:00

It's somewhere opposite Novena I think. I suddenly wish I had taken pictures of my bus ride- buses though I don't think I'll ever forget them totally. Still. All those days gone. Aiyah.

I don't know what all this will come to, reading that old thick little story book [which has no typos at all!], collecting and flipping through all those wesley weeklys, trying to pray for people I don't even know, trying to walk on the right and sunny side of the road... Sigh God if you're really out there try not to laugh too much or you might throw up.

I don't get what's wrong either. I easily believe in the shittiest of school rumours but not in you.

evening under durian

2009-09-28T04:35:00.000-07:00

Ahhh finally, finally done with your poems, sir. Good job.
Mann I miss watching Seinfeld.

from where there is no return

2009-09-27T23:42:00.000-07:00

Alberto Garcia-Alix

salts, preparation of

2009-09-26T02:01:00.000-07:00

Index of the past 7 hours of my life. Or chem, to be less precise. I sure know how to prepare salts from my tears or sweat if that's what you want. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I tried to wake up at 5am today to do work. But instead of feeling that refreshing early-morning drive that I was supposed to, I just ended up walking back and forth and hearing a rooster call. Serious. There's a rooster somewhere not far from where I stay and it was crowing or whatever you call it. Felt like I was sleeping in a barn.

You're stuck in a state of limbo and I can imagine why. Did our brains ever make the mistake of filling up the gaps ourselves? Is somebody going to disappoint you when they turn out different from the image you sculpted in your mind? It's painful but sometimes thinking of being with someone is really better than actually being with them. You can only lie down and imagine all the ideal conversations you want to have, all the ideal things you want to do.

They're called ideal for a reason.

--------------------------------------

http://www.firstfruitswolfnotes.com/
Our mentors are involved, please go.

not a lot to do

2009-09-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

I really wanna watch some films in animation nation. I hope they're really slack about the nc16 thing though.
-------------------
I'm so tired, and so tired of hearing from you, and so tired of myself not telling you, and just so tired of feeling tired, and argh I'm going to sleep.

last flowers till the hospital

2009-09-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

I didn't know that my dad was once a janitor and a burger-flipper when he was studying in the US. Didn't know that he used a recorder and the radio to get songs cuz he couldn't afford to spend anything on anything. Can't imagine how he was one of those annoying boys who played soccer. And his driving sucks a little so it's hard to think of how he rode a motorbike [which got stolen].

I also didn't know about the long-haired hippie-looking caucasian who stood outside my mom's place in the cold snow to wait for her. I can't even imagine how it'd be like if she ended up with him, it's pretty funny. I think my mom looked so much prettier when she was younger and had long hair [and those huge specs that they all used to wear].

And then she got kids and became a mother...and she got her hair cut...and she's so weird now. I really don't know her as a person at all. Just as my mom. Same goes for my dad. I don't wanna grow up and just end up being called a 'wife' and a 'mother' and have all of my youth and personality buried under those layers. I don't wanna start reading books on death and tell my kids how 'I'll probably have 15 to 20 more years if I'm lucky'. Why do I have to listen to things like that?

Yah I'm only 15. I'm suppose to be a kid who hasn't realised the gravity of life, whatever that crap means.

The Drums- Let's Go Surfing

PARANOID ANDROID

2009-09-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

Ambition makes you look pretty ugly.
God loves his children, yeah.

UH

2009-09-18T06:12:00.000-07:00

I really love this school and all but they just sabotaged us with such a mindlessly time consuming project. Faced with such a squashed up time frame even the exhibition had to be rushed. How do you even try to enjoy life in such urgency? Like trying to taste a slice of half-defrosted pizza.

L.S.F.

2009-09-16T06:22:00.000-07:00

I'm getting so tired of this exhausting cycle. Feeling like a fucking useless waste of space and then feeling guilty for insulting my parent's daughter. I cheer up because I don't want to think that you're wrong about who you're placing your faith and love in. I can't believe I'm even thinking in this twisted way, like I'm almost too aware of my role.

WHY DO YOU BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU

2009-09-14T05:46:00.000-07:00

Great things have unfolded themselves before me today and I don't even know how to be happy about them. I don't know who I should be thanking because it would seem too much to thank myself. But then again I prayed to no one. Not consciously, at least. I don't know who to thank at all.

KNOCKING ON CLASSIC FM'S DOOR

2009-09-12T23:16:00.000-07:00

Oh my god. I knew resisting The Resistance would never work.

Exogenesis just takes my breath away, had me tearing up. Shit. Has the great qualities of Space Dementia and Ruled By Secrecy.

Incredibly stellar piece of art. Doesn't touch the special place in my heart for Absolution but a great album nonetheless.

INCINERATE

2009-09-11T07:26:00.000-07:00

Yeah okay so I kinda got sick of my previous blogskin, just using this one temporarily until I decide what to do. I don't know how I ever gave that title for my blog either but I'll just leave it there. Wonder if I sound different. Some fonts have the ability to make you sound dumb.

Anyway, ice skating again with Wanye West. You really have to let go of that bloody railing. Guess it helped me get my mind off some things that I just found out of. I'm honestly trying to be very cool and okay about what's happening [or not happening] but it's getting quite hard. Yeah, it's just another show, but I'm always paranoid about bad things happening in pairs or streaks [they can't just happen once] and right now it seems like this is just confirming my feelings of detachment from VA. I know, I know, I'm being very annoying with this turdy whining.

Today is the last day of nothing because the holiday never existed.

BULLETPROOF

2009-09-10T05:25:00.000-07:00

I officially love going to the air port. I started realising a lot of things. Managed to get some bonding time with my Dad too. I feel like changing this blogskin, it's kinda getting me down.

-

2009-09-09T05:25:00.000-07:00

I like the human body, it's a nice work of art.

IIII

2009-09-08T03:55:00.000-07:00

I wonder when those hopes and fears will translate into reality. I'm always getting bummed over something these days. Always feeling this gaping hole somewhere. Life is a great great thing but it just sucks that way y'know. Sucks the way everyone's just so bloody depressed about all sorts of things worse than your situation that you feel guilty for feeling bad. It's either great or freaking alarming that a box of lasagna cheers you up a lot.

YEAH.

2009-09-05T06:46:00.000-07:00

My mother is really self-righteous. Doesn't even TRY to understand. I've already gone past arguing, just nod.

Sometimes I really cannot stand it.

HAH.

2009-09-04T07:06:00.000-07:00

Oh my crap I can't believe I left my student handbook in school, and today of all days. I know it sounds silly but this handbook has been more of a sketchbook for me than anything else and it stores just too many things of huge sentimental value. I really hope it's left alone.

The holiday's all messed up. Well whatever, I think I'll start planning tomorrow. Had a nauseous bus ride and another of those soundtrack MRT redline trips. I should start a log book on how many of these rides we have. Long live the redliners.

I can't love you enough because I just don't know how to!

ER

2009-09-03T06:23:00.000-07:00

Shucks I really don't know what I'm doing. I dunno if it's getting to become a sickness of thinking about meanings that aren't really there at all and things you can't even touch. I don't want to say it's a waste of time because it isn't, but those thoughtful discoveries aren't visible. And for some reason it makes me feel like I just keep thinking and thinking but nothing really happens.

Maybe somehow I'm okay with it. And maybe I'll be okay with half of what I'm trying to say getting lost in translation. Part of the whole learning experience.

Great night once again. We live on the same side of Mr. Moon!

AAAHH

2009-08-31T01:37:00.000-07:00

Nothing changed! Nothing at all. I almost felt normal eating and walking there again. I wonder if 2 years really is that long. I seem to feel more attachment to the building than the people there. The walls, the cracking paint, the semi circle toilet and artworks that hang there till now. The campus is really alive on its own. People just inhabit it. Sigh I think I'm sounding more and more cliche but it's the truth.

And then we got really bored. Badly wanted a house to crash. In the end mine was the only option. Home is really one of the funnest places to hang out. :)

HMM

2009-08-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

Man I'm gonna miss these 162/167/166 bus rides a lot. And I find it a little odd that more guys seem to look forward to marriage and a family while the girls I know including myself are afraid/aren't that into it. It's not really weird or funny but it's just...hmm. :/

It's also hmm how we're never really ourselves because we're unconsciously acting differently around different people. Very hmm. Guess that's just the way everything is.

:)

ERM

2009-08-30T06:10:00.000-07:00

Visiting St. Nicks with Erica tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to feel, but I look forward to it. I hope they still have orange bowl there.

I don't know what to do with my holiday [other than the boring necessities]. Maybe exhaust another Borders card. Maybe write letters to all my friends. Or start writing lists. :/

WHAT

2009-08-29T08:16:00.000-07:00

Another screwed up hour, another screwed up dialogue with my parents. It's just incredibly stupid how I can't even talk to the people who raised me up properly, incredibly disappointing how my mom just doesn't listen enough, how she tries to throw Buddha in everywhere like studying his ways are going to solve all the fucking problems in the world. How I wish I could have just. one. bloody. proper. talk where I don't end up crying like a whiny 5 year old. Just once?

Why don't you tell me again how I'll just live and die, how true happiness doesn't exist, why don't you just tell me to give up right now?

I'm growing more and more tired of feeling the constant sting of being thought of as quiet and ultimately forgettable, so why don't you all tell me to get lost? One less person to mark on your bloody attendance sheet.

I'm tired of trying so hard for ages to help someone when another person can just walk by and do what I tried to in a second just because of who they are. Once again, I'm not good enough.

Who's the cheap imitation now? I really don't know anymore. I don't have answers anymore. I can't help anymore. I don't know what I can do now that won't just fade in the dust.

I'm probably gonna regret this whole horrible post, another pathetic attempt at trying to express something more than I can.

x

2009-08-29T03:22:00.000-07:00

Stuck with no-words syndrome. It's easier to sit down and emit auras than use language at all.

TODAY

2009-08-28T06:47:00.000-07:00

I don't want to forget today, not at all. I don't even know how to begin. We had no gifts but our words and things we just needed them to know.

Then we set off in our rainbow colours and went to skate, where I'm beginning to move away from the noob region and where Yan Lee the butterfooted guy suddenly became a pro. Where I hurt my ass real bad trying to go hyper speed [Foolish attempt at imitating the masters that were practicing there], where Wayne has to let go. Yes.

One by one we saw some teachers/staff hanging around the area and it was a little whoa. Went grocery browsing which became grocery shopping. A jar of cabonara sauce, angel hair pasta and a convenient place to crash. One of the greatest dinners ever, with scrambled eggs courtesy of Master Chef Wayne who brandished a knife and waved our amatuer selves away from the kitchen.

Silly card tricks, having a gruelling and hilarious time getting a bee out of the house [lest we end up like Mr. Ng], tap-tap tournament, isketch comedy and another of our sleepy red line mrt rides with my poor pal falling asleep to Keane and ending up in woodlands.

The purest kind of fun and genuine bonding ever.

FIRST IN LINE

2009-08-27T06:37:00.000-07:00

Someday I'll wonder how I could even say this but
I'm kinda relieved that I can still feel annoyed. I've been loving everyone too much it's getting odd. No this isn't primary school so I know you can't 'make me' anything but right now I feel like..like the way I felt in primary school. I don't know why. You're probably totally innocent and all and I'm just being a complicated b. Haha man it's awesome being flawed and apprehensive.

Today was pretty nice. We oughtta lose more things so we can bond looking for it. We oughtta be more moody so we can talk. Or maybe not. Eheh.

Ice skating tomorrow, I really hope I still remember how to. [prolly gonna fall over a gazillion times again] Looking forward to wearing Erica's goldfish 'this sucks!' socks. Yay.